New global dangers from US obesity epidemic

04/01/2014
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Japanese researcher warns of “catastrophic consequences for the world” if current trends continue

Professor Oshiri claims that the changes in the high jump record prove his theory that the Earth's gravity is weakening

TOKYO (majirox news) — A researcher at a leading Japanese institution foresees a looming disaster – which he blames on Americans’ eating habits. Assistant Professor Futoi Oshiri of the Theoretical Physics Department at the Usoda Technical Institute claims that the Earth’s gravitational field is weakening as the result of the extra load imposed on it by overweight human beings.

“The idea came to me in my bath, just like Archimedes’ did to him,” said Oshiri in an exclusive interview with Majirox News. “I suddenly realised how much less I weighed while I was in the bath, and therefore how much less energy was being expended by the Earth to keep me in place. Then it struck me that with obesity becoming a major problem in many parts of the world, including the US, the Earth’s finite supply of gravitational force would soon become exhausted.”

The result could be a disaster. “There could be catastrophic consequences for the world if we just start to drift off into space because the Earth cannot hold us down any more, he says.”

Oshiri claims that the effects of the weakened gravity will become readily apparent in the next decade or so, as we all start to become lighter. Indeed, he says this is already happening.

“Look at the way that the high jump record is constantly being broken,” he says. “This is a clear proof of the truth of my theory.”

When asked how his theory will affect Japan’s national sport, sumo, Oshiri says that it will have little effect.

“It’s true, of course, that the rikishi [wrestlers] will weigh less, but their mass will be the same, and so the basic principles of the sport will be unaffected.”

Oshiri’s original theory of gravity relies on as yet undiscovered fundamental particles he dubs “gravons,” the existence of which is denied by most other researchers.

“It may sound extreme to call Oshiri an ass, but really, that’s how most scientists feel about him,” said a spokesperson from NASA, when asked for an official opinion on the matter.

Professor Stephen Hawking of Cambridge University in the UK was unavailable for comment.

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